Even in grief

But God cares deeply

Psalm 116:15 The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die.

This weekend was unusually busy and intense. In the middle of it I learned my friend Vanessa, whose generosity I wrote about on April 4, died a month ago from cancer. Here’s what I wrote:

I struggled one whole morning to understand a series of marketing procedures new and not intuitive to me. In frustration I cried to the Lord, out loud, “I need help! I need someone who can show me what I’m doing wrong!

Within seconds of my prayer, a message flashed onto my Instagram screen from a Brazilian friend I haven’t seen or talked to for at least twenty years, a psychologist who worked with me in restoration ministry. “Debra, do you need any help with online advertising for the Karis book? I’m trained in that.”

Yeah. I was stunned. But wait—there’s more!

When I told Vanessa her offer was a direct answer to prayer, she said, “Well, your need is a direct answer to my prayer. Last week I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I asked God to give me something to do for someone else, to divert my focus from myself and my fear and worry about this cancer. Then I saw your announcement about the Karis book being published here in Brazil and thought, that’s it! I want to do all I can to help you let people know the Karis book is available now in Portuguese. I’ve been reading other things I’ve found written about Karis, and her faith is helping to stabilize mine as I walk through this battle with cancer.”

Vanessa died on the operating table. I don’t yet know more details than that. I only found out because a friend of Vanessa’s noticed my repeated inquiries on Vanessa’s Instagram about how she was doing and took the time to tell me she had died.

Vanessa was so sure she would beat this cancer. Perhaps I won’t ever know why she couldn’t. I’ve learned, though, that in these times when I don’t understand, I need to cling even tighter to the Lord, who sees the big picture I can’t see.

Yesterday the Lord comforted me very personally. Not just through my tears and my husband sitting with me as I cried. And by giving me a vision of Karis hanging out with Vanessa in Heaven. The Lord also cared for me through a friend who unexpectedly offered to help me solve yet another computer issue I find perplexing. A touch of kindness in my landscape of grief that means so much to me because it touches another area in which I’m weak and vulnerable.

So I’m praying God will touch each of Vanessa’s loved ones—her husband, her parents, her extended family, her friends, even her beloved dogs—with whatever specific kindness will let them feel how deeply he cares about each one of them, even in their grief.

Perhaps he already has.

I wanted to die, by Walt and Sharon Hastings, Golden, CO

But God gives his people strength

Psalm 28:1, 8-9 I pray to you, O Lord, my rock. Do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you are silent, I might as well give up and die. … The Lord gives his people strength. … O Lord, lead your people like a shepherd, and carry them in your arms forever.

Note: Walt is one of my husband David’s mentors. Walt and Sharon are members of our international mission team. Both Walt and Sharon fought cancer in 2020 and 2021.

On July 21, 2022, Walt wrote the following:

Just wanted to give you a brief update. Sharon is gone on a five-day cruise with our daughter Bethany and her two girls. They get back Friday afternoon. She left early Sunday morning, about the time I came down with a high fever and infection in my right leg. Yesterday I went to urgent care and was told to be hospitalized immediately. I’m at Sky Ridge hospital being treated for a severe case of advanced sepsis infection. I’m responding well to the treatment, and likely will be here several more days.

Sharon: “Several more days” turned into a pitched battle to save Walt’s life. It’s hard to remember what life was like before these last ten weeks. There was a fight with cancer, but it seems like a long time ago.

Walt: I was in so much pain in the hospital that if I had been given a choice, I would have chosen to go be with Jesus. My muscles atrophied so much that I couldn’t support myself even to stand up. I lost about 25% of my lower leg. I couldn’t bear to look at my leg wound because I would go into shock. My left leg seemed to be half the size of my other leg.

In the ICU I came to realize that the veil between this life and the next is very thin. I had a dream or vision or something in which I was in a dark spot and to my right there were three creatures I would call demons. On the other side beings of light called to me. I told the Lord I wanted to go home to be with him. And the Lord said no. I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do. He responded, “Be with people.”

“*Beings of light called to me”* Shutterstock: Melitas

Sharon: We didn’t know if Walt would make it, but prayer on the night of the crisis call ended up trumping Walt’s wishes. We’ve stuck together through it all. We’ve grown close. I told God, “You don’t want Walt right now. He’s still not perfect. I need to work on certain areas in his life.”

Walt: When I went to the rehab hospital, I had serious doubts that I would ever walk again.

Sharon: We owe the physical therapist a case of beer. The doctors are impressed and surprised with how amazingly healthy Walt is.

Walt: One doctor said it’s amazing how God heals. Today, the two legs look almost the same size. There are at least three layers of skin. If the bacteria had gotten to the third layer which transports nutrients to the whole body, I would have been gone. The specialist who treated me said he loses about half of his patients who have this flesh-eating bacteria.

Sharon: I’m not teaching. I canceled all my classes to take care of Walt. I have no energy to think of anything else. I’m always thinking of how much protein Walt needs each day. Tomorrow’s skin graft surgery should be the last chapter of this. His knee froze with scar tissue. While he’s anesthetized for the skin graft, a surgeon will work on removing the scar tissue. Like Walt, I’m asking God what His purposes are.

My husband Dave on October 4: Today I had a terrific, life-giving mentoring session with Walt. I’m grateful he’s still here to “be with people,” including me.

God’s workmanship is marvelous

But God saw me before I was born

Psalm 139:13-17 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion … You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. … How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!

These verses have been repeating in my head ever since my first glimpse of my granddaughter Juliana as she was born Friday evening. Every tiny part of her, so perfect, so complete. A brand new unique little person. Marvelous indeed.

Ultrasound gives us a shadowy image of a child in the womb. But God sees these little ones perfectly. David tells us in this psalm that God is intimately involved with the creation of each little person. That’s why our daughter Karis was convinced that her intestinal disability was not a “mistake,” but rather something God intended to use for good. And she lived her life accordingly, always looking for what God was doing through every difficult or joyful circumstance. Still, I felt immense relief when I saw little Juliana’s first poop! Something Karis never had. I don’t know what Juliana’s challenges will be, but her intestines seem to work perfectly. Thank you, Lord.

Big sister Liliana, Aunt Valerie, cousin Caleb, and Mommy: part of the family already loving Juliana

Our extended family is growing fast! Between December 2019 and May 2020, five little girls were born, including our Talita and Liliana. The next batch included two boys, a little girl in the Cayman Islands, and now Juliana. Two babies are due in December.

God sees and intimately knows each one of them. And you and me too. No wonder the psalmist says God’s thoughts about us are precious.

What are you creating these days?

But God’s breath brings life

Psalm 104:24, 30 O Lord, what a variety of things you have made! In wisdom you have made them all. … When you give them your breath, life is created, and you renew the face of the earth.

Psalm 139:13-14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous.

Ephesians 2:10 We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

*Collected on a walk through our neighborhood yesterday*

As around us leaves take on variegated hues, there’s a lot going on in our corner of the world. A new grandchild, soon to be born (perhaps today!) fills us with the awe of co-creation. A co-created book (Treasure Hunt 1904, Book 2 of the Cally and Charlie Series), coming out sooner than expected, bears the imprint of early readers, artists, and designers. Creation of materials and logistics for the first in-person Pastoring of Pastors leaders retreat since 2019, in Bogotá, Colombia October 21-25 engages a whole team of people at one level and all the participants, from twelve countries, at another. Another co-creation with each other and with God.

The last few days while Dave is in Colorado Springs for mission meetings, I re-watched a couple of the early episodes of The Chosen. Remember Jesus the craftsman, leaving carved animals for the girl Abigail when he decamped? And how he created in the minds of the children new vision and spiritual curiosity? I love the visuals of Jesus, co-creator of the universe, a master craftsman in his life as part of our world. I love the fact that God gives gifts through the Holy Spirit, empowering each of us to be creative in our own ways.

What are you creating these days? I would love to know!!

The power of story

But God is powerful and mighty

Psalm 78:2-4 I will teach you hidden lessons from our past—stories we have heard and known, stories our ancestors handed down to us. We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord, about his power and his mighty wonders.

Jeremiah 32:17-19 NASBOh, Lord God! Behold, You Yourself have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You … great and mighty God. The Lord of armies is His name; great in counsel and mighty in deed, whose eyes are open to all the ways of the sons of mankind.

Zechariah 8:6 This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says: … All this may seem impossible to you now, a small remnant of God’s people. But is it impossible for me? says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.

I love spending Tuesdays with my grandchildren Caleb (4) and Talita (2). Last Tuesday while I folded laundry, Talita napped, and Caleb played near me with his cars, he started singing a song I remember from my own childhood, “Nothing is too difficult for thee.” Google tells me it was written by Don Moen.

Caleb sang it several times. I asked him whether he learned the song at school, at church, or from his mom. “My mom,” he said.

It’s been running through my mind ever since, encouraging me regarding some tough situations. Nothing is too difficult for thee …

It’s caused me to reflect on the power of story. In this case, the story of God creating the universe illustrates his ability to do everything else. Nothing is impossible for him.

How interesting, that a story I learned to sing at my mission boarding school when I was small, and then sang to my children, my daughter Valerie sings to hers. And God used her child innocently singing it back to me to encourage me when I needed it.

Do you see why I want you to tell your story of what God has done for you? And generously share it with me and those who read this blog? You have no idea how much it may encourage someone else.

I hope this story is one Caleb never forgets and passes on in turn to his own children one day.

Goodreads Giveaway of Horse Thief 1898

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by Debra Kornfield

Giveaway ends October 30, 2022.

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Everyday love, by Elaine Elliott, Antigua, Guatemala (“Art and Scripture”)

Psalm 138:8 The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.

Isaiah 43:4 God says: “…You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.”

Ephesians 3:19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

God has gifted me [Elaine] with an intriguing place to live, a valley with a volcano on one side, lavish flowers all year round, interesting old ruins from the late 1700s, and bright blue skies. Hiking through the surrounding forests as they “sing,” I appreciate God’s cleverness in all he made. I cherish God’s love in my everyday life.

*Arco Santa Catalina and Volcán Água, Antigua, Guatemala*

Enjoying family and friends, holding them in God’s deep love, makes life interesting. Technology connects us with people at a distance. I encounter strangers with openness, as an opportunity to see Christ in them. Loving and honoring others with genuine affection and delight (Romans 12:10) makes life meaningful.

I fall more in love with God as I learn about his creativity through the innovations of people, in books, documentaries, art, music, and technology. Hospitality, my own creativity, and finding ways to serve others keep me in God’s love. Hearing from God through Scripture, even puzzling things out with help of a commentary, allows me to experience His love.

I am grateful for all the loves in my life: family, friends, community, place, Scripture, beauty, justice, goodness, God himself… Scripture uses the word “love” 500 times in the Old Testament, beginning with parental and spousal love, so it makes sense we find much joy in our families. We find khesed, God’s unfailing love, mentioned about 120 times. Scripture calls us to respond to God’s love with our own: for him, neighbors, strangers, even enemies. Jesus says we are to love him even more than our closest family members, not loving them less, but practicing an even greater love.

Love is produced in us by the Holy Spirit. It knits us together, protects us, makes us good examples, and perfects us as we live in God. Reading through all 800 or so references to love in the Bible builds in me a deep sense of how pervasive love is in our lives. As the Ephesians reference says, Christ’s love is too great to fully understand with our minds. We must experience it. Love is his very nature and appreciating this becomes bedrock for our lives.

As I go through any ups, downs, or plateaus in life, I find it helpful to remember that “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance… Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love” (I Corinthians 13:7, 13). God’s faithful love makes my everyday life a very good place to be.

P.S. from Debbie: Elaine is the second to respond to my call for “But God” stories. I can’t wait to receive yours!

Where did you hide as a child?

But God is our refuge

Psalm 62:5-8 Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. … O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

Philippians 4:6-7 Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

When you were a child, did you have a hiding place, somewhere you went to feel safe?

In my small childhood home (two bedrooms for a family of ten), there seemed nowhere to go except inside myself, and I became very good at finding that space. But at boarding school, I hid in two places. One was inside a narrow, covered stairwell with doors top and bottom. The other was high in a cypress tree at the property a block away where we went for recess.

In those spaces, even when I was small, I had a sense of God’s presence with me that I didn’t feel anywhere else. The world out there was too challenging, too crowded, too fraught and frightening. Often I was too flooded to sense he was there in the confusion of competing feelings. In secret, though, the Lord helped me regain my balance. When I’m upset, I can still imagine myself there, take some deep breaths, and begin to relax.

As an adult, hearing other people’s trauma stories, my heart went out to those who blamed God for what they had suffered and thus cut themselves off from his comfort. As a child, I didn’t blame God. I primarily blamed myself. I think it’s natural for children to feel they “should” be able to be “good enough” or “powerful enough” to diffuse the tensions, stress, anger, conflicts, and hurtful actions of the adults around them. Just try harder …

God, though, was my refuge. My rock. My place of safety long before I knew anything about Psalm 62, or Philippians 4 or Hebrews 4.

There were times when I doubted God’s power and goodness, when I couldn’t sense his Presence at all. In chapter 1 of Karis: All I See Is Grace, though, I describe a time of crisis when I was able to cry out to him and hear his response. He challenged me to trust him even though I could not understand. Why, if he is all-loving and all-powerful, he allows so much suffering in the world. Why he doesn’t do what I, in my great wisdom, think he should do.

Today, I am making the same choice: to trust. To pour out my heart to him. And then to wait quietly. For God is my refuge, my safety, my hiding place.

You too?

God held my hand, by Meredith Dobson, Pittsburgh (Muddy Boots in the Hallway)

But God’s unfailing love supported me

Psalm 94:18-19 I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

Today I decided to take Uber to a doctor’s appointment. I waited outside my building in the rain, watching my phone for his arrival. I saw a car pull into the circle in front of our building the wrong way and immediately thought it must be my Uber driver. It was getting late and I was nervous, in part, because the doctor’s office had provided a same-day appointment and I was already afraid of being late.

When I got in the car, I was very nervous because I was seeing an unfamiliar doctor about a condition I was frightened to learn about and I was alone in doing this. I am 84 years old, I live alone, and get fearful of unknown things I have to do alone. I was rude and voiced admonishment to the driver for entering the driveway the wrong way and another car also let him know how much he was at fault. When he got in the car, I told him I was late already and to go fast that I needed to get there. This prompted a harsh response from him about his not wanting traffic violations and how he had to drop someone off and did I know my way around the city and he was as loud and abusive as I had been. Finally, I said I was already upset about a doctor visit and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. In my mind, I thought of how I would rate him as a driver with a big old “O” and add a comment about rudeness.

As we got closer to the area, I gave him the actual address since I thought it was a medical building, not the actual hospital. He said, in a very calm, polite voice, he would take me wherever I needed to go. Then I said that I was sorry I had been so rude to him when I first got in. I said that I had talked to him in a way that was not called for, that I was way out of line, and I was sorry. He said he was sorry also and it was all OK. I briefly said that I was going to see a doctor I had never seen before about a condition I was really frightened about and being nervous about all that probably made me speak to him in a way I shouldn’t have. He said, Oh that’s OK. I’m sorry to hear that. Then he added, “Do you want me to wait here to be sure you are in the right place? I will gladly do that.” I told him no, that I was pretty sure this was the right place. I said something about how things change and I hardly recognize it.

God was present with me all along. God was the one sitting beside me as we rode through the rain drops and the water splashing against the car. God held my hand in the back seat and gently whispered to me about forgiveness and speaking with the spirit of Love. God reminded me that this driver did not have an easy job and he was doing me a service. I was grateful I did not have to park or drive or bother with umbrellas or anything. I became grateful sitting there beside God and I wanted the driver to know.

Does slander matter?

But God cares about our words

Psalm 50:7, 14-23 “O my people, listen as I speak … Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God and keep the vows you made to the Most High.” … But God says: “You refuse my discipline and treat my words like trash. … Your mouth is filled with wickedness, and your tongue is full of lies. You sit around and slander your brother—your own mother’s son. While you did all this, I remained silent, and you thought I didn’t care. But now I will rebuke you … Giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me.”

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Hebrews 13:14-16 This world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come. Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name. And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God.

James 3:9-10 Sometimes the tongue praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!

Thanksgiving is a few weeks away, but we can pull out our thankfulness and dust it off now. It matters to our Lord! And so do the other words we say, and our attitude when he speaks to us.

In just a few verses, Psalm 50 references:

God speaking to us personally and to all humanity
His desire that we pay attention when he speaks
The value he places on our thanksgiving, above any other sacrifice
The value of our vows
His promise to hear us
How it hurts him when we treat his words like trash, when we lie, when we wound others with our words, when other kinds of wickedness fill our mouths
A final reminder about how much our thanks matters to him

We can’t change our national culture. But we can change ourselves and what comes out of our mouths. We can influence our families, our neighbors, our colleagues, our friends, simply by speaking truth with an attitude of thankfulness and a desire to bless.

I’m setting this goal for myself, from now until Thanksgiving Day. Will you join me?

P.S. I’m waiting to receive your “But God” contribution!