A story in three parts

But God gives joy

Psalm 145:7 Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness; they will sing with joy about your righteousness.

Psalm 90:14-16 Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, O Lord, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, your servants, see you work again; let our children see your glory.

A couple of weeks ago, at the beginning of a small group meeting, the leader asked us each to share in one word what we were feeling. I surprised myself by saying “joy.”

Why is that worth telling you about? Isn’t that a fairly common experience?

Well, not for me, not at this time of the year.

Since 2014, the cold, dark, gray days have put a dragging sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach. I know what’s coming. The constant struggle to keep Karis warm as she bounces in and out of the hospital. The quickly approaching end of November date the nephrologist gave us when Karis’s kidneys would stop functioning. Her increasing lack of strength and energy. Her most-of-the-night pre-Christmas conversation with Hildete, when she and Pastor Vandeir visited us from Brazil, about her death and how it would impact her family and all she had wanted to accomplish and her sense that the Promise and the Prophecy given to her at age 16 had not been fulfilled. The aborted trip to Florida when she developed a line infection the day before we were to fly. The wrenching I felt leaving her behind in the ICU. Her middle-of-the-night call, her hoarse voice barely audible: “Mama, please come.” The diagnosis of H1N1, swine flu. And all the events leading to her death in the wee hours of Feb. 5^th, the roads so icy we couldn’t make it to the hospital for several more hours.

Every other year before this one, at this time of the year, I haven’t been able to shake the waves of grief associated with the holiday season. So, yes: for me, to realize I was feeling joy and anticipation instead of grief and dread was an amazing experience, this ninth year since it all happened.

My three-part story today is one of gratitude. The first part was the thirty years of life with Karis. The second part was the long grieving of living without her. The third part is the discovery that joy can take the place of grief. It’s such a hopeful feeling. I want to say to everyone grieving a huge loss, “Don’t despair! It may take a long time. Each person’s experience is different. But I know now it’s possible to reach the third part of the story, when tears flow out of deep joy and thankfulness instead of the deep pain of mourning.” I’m tasting the joy Karis herself feels now!

Advent’s two stories

But God performs mighty acts

Psalm 145:1-4 I will exalt you, my God and King and praise your name forever and ever… No one can measure the Lord’s greatness. Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power.

Advent is a time for storytelling. Not just any story, but two stories filled with complex and vulnerable characters who grow and change, amazing adventures, and awesome rescues by the greatest, most powerful, most admirable actor of all time.

One story is about what happened on planet Earth two thousand years ago: the birth of a poor baby who was actually a Prince, sent by his father, the King, to rescue the world from the clutches of an evil tyrant.

The second story foretells the Prince’s return to Earth to set everything right. It’s the happy ending which will begin a new story, a wonderful sequel.

What story am I telling my children and grandchildren?

This Advent, I want to challenge you to think as well about your own story. In Psalm 145, David repeatedly calls us to share with others our own stories of God’s power and greatness, beginning with our children and grandchildren and others of the next generations.

I want to leave you with three questions today:

Does your story matter? Why should you invest in remembering, understanding, and sharing your story?
Where do you see God in your story? What mighty acts has he performed for you?
What impact can your response to question #2 have on your children and grandchildren and/or others of the next generations? What has your life experience shown or taught you that you would like to pass on to them?

I hope these questions will help you begin to see and value your story differently.

As I think about the legacy my husband Dave and I received from our parents and grandparents, I’m both sad and encouraged. Some parts of their stories were never resolved or healed, and we were bruised from the impact of their pain. In other ways, their stories challenge and strengthen us to move forward, to offer our descendants hope as we embrace and share God’s grace and mighty acts in our lives.

I hope you will join me in storytelling this Advent! Of both Great Stories, and the ways your experiences weave their unique part of the fabric the Great Stories continue creating.

Enough, by a friend

Psalm 32:8 The Lord says, “I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch over you.”

But God saved me

Shutterstock: Lukas Gojda

The sun was beaming across the Laurel Mountains of Western Pennsylvania as I cruised the Turnpike on my way to gather with a group of friends I had come to know intimately over the last two years only on Zoom. We all share a common disease and meet five mornings a week just as millions of others meet in a wide variety of other places and ways and who fight the same disease together. I had my ear buds in listening to someone share his story. I was in the far-left lane doing the speed limit of 70mph when suddenly I realized my car was veering to the right. I saw the rear corner of a trailer being towed by a pickup truck in the lane to my right coming at my car much too fast. I knew I needed to brake, yet my foot seemed stuck to the accelerator. I slammed into the trailer full force. My car caromed off the trailer and spun around. I braked, landed on the berm of the road, drove off to the center, and came to a stop all in a matter of nanoseconds. I unhooked my seat belt and got out of my car completely uninjured. I stood on the side of the highway holding my cell phone in a total daze. What just happened? I thought I was going to an event at the Jersey Shore. It turns out God had other plans.

The next several hours passed quickly and included State Police, talking with the pickup driver, seeing the damage to his trailer, riding in the tow truck that would haul my car to a nearby garage, and, most of all, getting in touch with all those people I was so anxious to see face-to-face after two years of wondering…. How tall is Sammy? Is Charlotte left-handed? What does Sylvia really look like all dressed up? Would I ever know? Over the next several hours, I sat in the garage waiting room, and I began to hear from all those Zoom connections. Word travels fast in that group. Harry, Vera, Betty, Bob, Carol, Henry, Alisa, James, Lucy, Murray, the list goes on (the names are changed to protect their anonymity). Some texted. Others made real phone calls. Some sent emails reminding me they loved me and were praying for me. Not even one said anything about my being foolish to try to drive alone the 5 ½ hours to the Jersey Shore. Never did anyone say I “should” have done anything any different. That’s not what happens with people like that. There is unconditional love and acceptance. There is complete trust in God. There is a knowledge that God has a plan for each of us and our job is to stay open to God’s plan however it comes and to trust whatever form it takes. Faith and trust in God always come first. The idea that my car was totaled, and I was left unhurt was part of a plan God has in mind for some reason. Now it remains my job to accept my circumstances, pay attention, stay willing to see what that might be. And these close “Zoom” friends where with me in spirit – unconditionally. I knew that right away. I wasn’t frightened.

I called my insurance company. As they walked me through the questions, it felt harmless and even blameless to a degree even though it was my car that went wrong, and I was at the wheel. No one else to lay any blame on. Arrangements for having the car towed from that small town an hour outside my city were made. I took a taxi back home. It cost $200.00.

The next day a friend drove me to a local hospital ER so I could get checked out. I was given lots of appropriate tests for internal bleeding, bruising, a CT scan with and w/o contrast. All testing came back negative. I was very fortunate. God has a plan, I know. However, I also know God does not necessarily reveal His plan on my time. God’s time and my time are inevitably quite different. Coming home from the hospital ER, I began to realize that none of it felt “real” to me. I couldn’t believe I didn’t have a car. My insurance had arranged for me to get a rental car, but when Enterprise called to make those arrangements, I told them I wasn’t ready. There was a part of me that didn’t want to drive. Not yet.

The shock or trauma was slow to wear off, but eventually I got the rental car. I didn’t drive much at first and our local weather patterns presented us with unseasonal snowfall that also kept me indoors. I used that time to contemplate what God’s plan might be for me. I have one big project that is ending, and I am looking forward to what I want to do next. I like to be busy and productive. I like to be connected to others and feel useful. I know that God knows that about me. One thing for certain is that I no longer refer to what happened as a car “Accident.” I feel it was a “God Experience” that happened to involve my car. In the couple of weeks following that day, I have gone through my small apartment and removed items that are no longer necessary to my life as it is today. I am making room for whatever God has in store for me. I rearranged some furniture, got rid of two pieces and lots of books and clothing that no longer fits. I found breathing room and wall space.

Isaiah 30:21 “If you go the wrong way – to the right or to the left – you will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the right way. You should go this way.”

I spend early morning time for about an hour and a half in prayer and meditation so I can stay close to God and available when He calls or opens a door, I’m ready. When Covid came and took over our lives in one way or another, it changed the way I lived in many ways including my decisions about being in groups or socializing at all. I find it difficult to return to any former patterns or make new ones. Hence, each new encounter is an opportunity to meet God in new ways and experience Gods gifts and His presence. I got a call yesterday from the insurance people telling me the amount of settlement for my car that was totaled. It is certainly a fair amount, and I could start to look for another car. I am not certain I want to do that right now. Maybe I’ll wait. Maybe I’ll wait and see what God has in mind for me next. I’m content that God’s plan for me doesn’t need flashing lights or a headline. I will stay Open and Willing. I sat in a meeting the other day – an in-person meeting – and raised my hand to say I would need a ride next week because I would no longer have a car. Afterward a woman came over and introduced herself to me and said she would love to offer to drive me. She is new to the area but lives near where I do. God’s plan can be walking down the street with New Life and Love in my Heart. Maybe that is Enough. Thank you, God.

2 Corinthians 3:18 “We all show the Lord’s glory, and we are being changed to be like him. This change in us brings ever greater glory which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Anonymous

Even in grief

But God cares deeply

Psalm 116:15 The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die.

This weekend was unusually busy and intense. In the middle of it I learned my friend Vanessa, whose generosity I wrote about on April 4, died a month ago from cancer. Here’s what I wrote:

I struggled one whole morning to understand a series of marketing procedures new and not intuitive to me. In frustration I cried to the Lord, out loud, “I need help! I need someone who can show me what I’m doing wrong!

Within seconds of my prayer, a message flashed onto my Instagram screen from a Brazilian friend I haven’t seen or talked to for at least twenty years, a psychologist who worked with me in restoration ministry. “Debra, do you need any help with online advertising for the Karis book? I’m trained in that.”

Yeah. I was stunned. But wait—there’s more!

When I told Vanessa her offer was a direct answer to prayer, she said, “Well, your need is a direct answer to my prayer. Last week I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I asked God to give me something to do for someone else, to divert my focus from myself and my fear and worry about this cancer. Then I saw your announcement about the Karis book being published here in Brazil and thought, that’s it! I want to do all I can to help you let people know the Karis book is available now in Portuguese. I’ve been reading other things I’ve found written about Karis, and her faith is helping to stabilize mine as I walk through this battle with cancer.”

Vanessa died on the operating table. I don’t yet know more details than that. I only found out because a friend of Vanessa’s noticed my repeated inquiries on Vanessa’s Instagram about how she was doing and took the time to tell me she had died.

Vanessa was so sure she would beat this cancer. Perhaps I won’t ever know why she couldn’t. I’ve learned, though, that in these times when I don’t understand, I need to cling even tighter to the Lord, who sees the big picture I can’t see.

Yesterday the Lord comforted me very personally. Not just through my tears and my husband sitting with me as I cried. And by giving me a vision of Karis hanging out with Vanessa in Heaven. The Lord also cared for me through a friend who unexpectedly offered to help me solve yet another computer issue I find perplexing. A touch of kindness in my landscape of grief that means so much to me because it touches another area in which I’m weak and vulnerable.

So I’m praying God will touch each of Vanessa’s loved ones—her husband, her parents, her extended family, her friends, even her beloved dogs—with whatever specific kindness will let them feel how deeply he cares about each one of them, even in their grief.

Perhaps he already has.

God held my hand, by Meredith Dobson, Pittsburgh (Muddy Boots in the Hallway)

But God’s unfailing love supported me

Psalm 94:18-19 I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

Today I decided to take Uber to a doctor’s appointment. I waited outside my building in the rain, watching my phone for his arrival. I saw a car pull into the circle in front of our building the wrong way and immediately thought it must be my Uber driver. It was getting late and I was nervous, in part, because the doctor’s office had provided a same-day appointment and I was already afraid of being late.

When I got in the car, I was very nervous because I was seeing an unfamiliar doctor about a condition I was frightened to learn about and I was alone in doing this. I am 84 years old, I live alone, and get fearful of unknown things I have to do alone. I was rude and voiced admonishment to the driver for entering the driveway the wrong way and another car also let him know how much he was at fault. When he got in the car, I told him I was late already and to go fast that I needed to get there. This prompted a harsh response from him about his not wanting traffic violations and how he had to drop someone off and did I know my way around the city and he was as loud and abusive as I had been. Finally, I said I was already upset about a doctor visit and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. In my mind, I thought of how I would rate him as a driver with a big old “O” and add a comment about rudeness.

As we got closer to the area, I gave him the actual address since I thought it was a medical building, not the actual hospital. He said, in a very calm, polite voice, he would take me wherever I needed to go. Then I said that I was sorry I had been so rude to him when I first got in. I said that I had talked to him in a way that was not called for, that I was way out of line, and I was sorry. He said he was sorry also and it was all OK. I briefly said that I was going to see a doctor I had never seen before about a condition I was really frightened about and being nervous about all that probably made me speak to him in a way I shouldn’t have. He said, Oh that’s OK. I’m sorry to hear that. Then he added, “Do you want me to wait here to be sure you are in the right place? I will gladly do that.” I told him no, that I was pretty sure this was the right place. I said something about how things change and I hardly recognize it.

God was present with me all along. God was the one sitting beside me as we rode through the rain drops and the water splashing against the car. God held my hand in the back seat and gently whispered to me about forgiveness and speaking with the spirit of Love. God reminded me that this driver did not have an easy job and he was doing me a service. I was grateful I did not have to park or drive or bother with umbrellas or anything. I became grateful sitting there beside God and I wanted the driver to know.

Does slander matter?

But God cares about our words

Psalm 50:7, 14-23 “O my people, listen as I speak … Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God and keep the vows you made to the Most High.” … But God says: “You refuse my discipline and treat my words like trash. … Your mouth is filled with wickedness, and your tongue is full of lies. You sit around and slander your brother—your own mother’s son. While you did all this, I remained silent, and you thought I didn’t care. But now I will rebuke you … Giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me.”

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Hebrews 13:14-16 This world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come. Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name. And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God.

James 3:9-10 Sometimes the tongue praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!

Thanksgiving is a few weeks away, but we can pull out our thankfulness and dust it off now. It matters to our Lord! And so do the other words we say, and our attitude when he speaks to us.

In just a few verses, Psalm 50 references:

God speaking to us personally and to all humanity
His desire that we pay attention when he speaks
The value he places on our thanksgiving, above any other sacrifice
The value of our vows
His promise to hear us
How it hurts him when we treat his words like trash, when we lie, when we wound others with our words, when other kinds of wickedness fill our mouths
A final reminder about how much our thanks matters to him

We can’t change our national culture. But we can change ourselves and what comes out of our mouths. We can influence our families, our neighbors, our colleagues, our friends, simply by speaking truth with an attitude of thankfulness and a desire to bless.

I’m setting this goal for myself, from now until Thanksgiving Day. Will you join me?

P.S. I’m waiting to receive your “But God” contribution!

I tried to catch the loveliness of the raindrops on the ornamental grasses outside my kitchen window this morning.
Wish you could see them as I do!

What’s your story?

But God cares

Psalm 40:1-3, 17 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. … I am poor and needy, but the Lord cares for me.

Hey, friend! I know you have a story about God’s care for you. If you share it, others will be encouraged to trust God when they are in despair. And the Lord will be honored.

To help motivate you to post your story on ButGod.blog, I will send the first five responders a copy of Mary’s Diary, a charming booklet written by Karis when she was thirteen that will make a great Christmas gift once you’ve enjoyed it yourself. Karis imagined Mary writing in her diary about her experiences prior to the birth of her son Jesus. Warning: several readers have told me they now think it happened the way Karis imagined it.

*In this charming story, Karis imagines she is Mary, writing about her experiences prior to Jesus’ birth*

So, remember and tell what God did for you when you were in trouble, as David does in this Psalm. Write no more than a page and send it to me: debrakornfield@gmail.com. If you’re among the first five, I’ll send you Mary’s Diary as a thank you.

I want this blog to be a place where all of us can remember and tell!

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him, yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds (Psalm 105:1-2).

Who bore the blame?

But God is merciful

Psalm 86: 15-16 But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. Look down and have mercy on me. Give your strength to your servant.

Psalm 56:1-3 O God, have mercy on me … When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, mercy is “compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.” The best description of mercy I know is Psalm 103:8-11:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

Yesterday God’s mercy was the theme of our entire service. Pastor Kevin’s sermon was wonderful, but the music was extraordinary, and I want to share it with you. You can turn them into a playlist or click on any of the links below. Or listen to or watch part or all of the service. “O Gracious Light” begins at 57 seconds. The sermon is 25 minutes-42:30. The second period of worship begins at 56:30.

“O Gracious Light” by Andy Clark and Elise Massa: Show me this darkness is not too dark for you.

Each song title is a link:

“Lord, Lord, Lord” by Ryan Flanigan: Please restore our trust.

“What the Lord has Done in Me” by Hillsong Music: From the heavens mercy streams of the Savior’s love for me

“O Come to the Altar” by Elevation Worship: Are you hurting and broken within?

“He Will Hold Me Fast” by Keith and Kristen Getty: I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path … He must hold me fast

“We Will Feast in the House of Zion” by Sandra McCracken: Every vow we’ve broken and betrayed. You are the faithful one.

Love (III) by George Herbert (published 1633)

Love bade me welcome. Yet my soul drew back

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,

If I lacked anything.

A guest, I answered, worthy to be here:

Love said, You shall be he.

I the unkind, ungrateful? Ah my dear,

I cannot look on thee.

Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,

Who made the eyes but I?

Truth Lord, but I have marred them: let my shame

Go where it doth deserve.

And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?

My dear, then I will serve.

You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat;

So I did sit and eat.

You will find rest

But God always keeps his promises

Psalm 145:2, 4, 13-14 I will praise you every day. … Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power. I will meditate on your majestic, glorious splendor and your wonderful miracles … I will share the story of your wonderful goodness. … The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does. The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.

It helps. It really does.

When Karis and I came to Pittsburgh in March 2004 for the terrifying prospect of intestinal transplant, not knowing anyone, feeling completely alone and vulnerable, leaving a fruitful and creative life behind, I made a decision. I would find something to thank God for every day. No matter what happened, I would look for what God was doing. “I will praise you every day.” It wasn’t easy, because terrifically painful things occurred, and sometimes the battle for Karis’s life seemed endless.

But I learned a way of seeing, in, through, and beyond the circumstances of a given day or hour. That practice continues to shape me. When troubling and difficult things happen, I know that’s not the whole story. God is keeping his promises today, even with the hard thing I face now. Whatever it is at a given time.

God is gracious in all he does. He helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.

What weight are you carrying today? Allow the Lord to bear it with you. Ask a friend to help you do this. Maybe you’ve picked up more than is meant for you. Maybe you’ve let others overload you. Perhaps saying “no” can be a good thing, for you and for others. I need this kind of help a lot.

What is tripping you up? Stretch out your hand to his strong and loving and faithful one. Let him help you get back on your feet. Perhaps the physical hand grasping yours belongs to one of his people. We are all called to be the Lord’s Body in the world, helping each other as Jesus would if he still lived physically among us.

Has someone you trusted betrayed you? Have you betrayed a promise to someone you love? Lean into God’s faithfulness. The promise-keeper can help you repair and heal your heart and give you strength to live faithfully.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” Matthew 11:28-30).

Oh give thanks!

But God turns deserts into pools

Psalm 107:34-35 God turns the fruitful land into salty wastelands, because of the wickedness of those who live there. But he also turns deserts into pools of water, the dry land into springs of water.

Psalm 110:7 But God himself will be refreshed from brooks along the way.

While I was in Idaho, my brother-in-law drove me four and a half hours across the rolling high desert hills to a place I wanted to revisit for Treasure Hunt 1904. It’s a journey of dramatic contrasts. From time to time we passed emerald fields patchworking the desert, irrigation rigs spraying life into naturally dry yet fertile soil. The rivers supplying this magic cut deep ravines through volcanic rock.

I’ve never lived in a dry place. In Guatemala we used to say it rained thirteen months of the year, while Brazilian torrential rains gave me a new understanding of the devastating power of floods. In Pittsburgh, if it doesn’t rain for a week, we think we’re in drought. But through my visits to southern Idaho, I’m discovering a unique loveliness in the colors and textures of the desert and the feel of the air.

Scripture often identifies the desert as a place of intimacy with God. “I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there,” says the Lord in Hosea 2:15. The physical desert shifts my perspective from superfluity to simplicity, opening space for me to see the dry and anxious places in my heart. I’m moved from griping to gratitude, appreciating in new ways the “magic” of the sweet, life-giving flow of the Holy Spirit, the river of life. Will I submit the desert of my heart to bubbling Spirit-brooks so my life can be a place of refreshment to the Lord? Isn’t that a startling thought?

Seven times Psalm 107 repeats the phrase “Give thanks to the Lord” as it relates stories of redemption. “Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!” (verses 2, 22, 32). If you like, you can use this blog as a way of telling: send your story to me at debrakornfield@gmail.com. Remember and tell! Your story can encourage others.

Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord (Psalm 107:43).