On turning 70

But God will be exalted forever

Psalm 92:8-15 But you, O Lord, will be exalted forever. … The godly will flourish like palm trees … in the courts of our God. Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. They will declare, “The Lord is just! He is my rock! There is no evil in him!”

Psalm 90:10, 12 Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. … Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.

After my 70^th birthday on August 16, I went into a bit of a funk. (Do people still use that expression?) Thinking back on it, I realize several dynamics converged during the weeks between that day and the lovely August 31 birthday party my son and daughters so sweetly planned for me.

1. I was still grieving for my friend Donna who died suddenly and unexpectedly June 30, and for my friend Carolyn who died of cancer August 19. I realized that once we’re “old,” these losses become more frequent. And at some point, will touch my own siblings, my own family. I didn’t want to accept this reality.

2. Coming down with Covid on my 70^th birthday was custom made for making me feel “old.”

3. I took longer to recover my energy than I thought I should have. I took my four-year-old granddaughter Talita to a favorite park and barely managed the ¾ mile walk to the waterfall, with lots of stops along the way. As I sat on a rock while she played in the creek, I felt overwhelmed by the feeling that this is what awaited me as I grew older, this sense of helplessness to do what I wanted to do; of my tired body not cooperating with my mind and will. I resented it, despite knowing in my head I didn’t “deserve” the good health I usually enjoy while so many others I love deal with limitations all the time.

Talita and Liliana at the party, faces painted thanks to our friend Suzanne.

4. Dave and I went to the park where we usually walk three laps at a fast pace several times a week, about 3 ½ miles. He had Covid too but walked all three laps. I inched along (it seemed) for one lap, then had to sit and rest. Then at turtle-pace I made it back to our car. I felt frustrated and angry. This is not me. Who am I, if I can’t do what I want to do? You know, Lord—I’ve told you this for a long time—I don’t want to become dependent on other people, taking up their time and energy and resources. Especially I don’t want this for my kids.

5. I was grieving the outcome of the so-hoped for elections in Venezuela, where daily, conditions were (and are) going from bad to worse. So many people prayed, and believed … yet here we are, with Maduro’s opponent now being called a traitor for running against him, with a warrant out for his arrest. Where was the energy to keep trusting and keep praying for relief?

6. I came to the point of dreading my birthday party. I knew people would be kind and say nice things, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that. I slipped into some kind of alternate reality in which I was a non-person, knowing that none of what might be said was true. I thought, “Dave could go in my place; I’ll stay home.” It didn’t matter that old age is a blessing (consider the alternative) and that everyone walks through this sooner or later, or that so many people, even my own sibs, have health issues and limitations I’ve not had to deal with. This was happening to me! I had to face up to it and learn for myself how to age faithfully.

A bit melodramatic, yes? I can imagine eyes rolling. By God’s grace I did one positive thing: I told close friends what I was feeling, the struggle I was in. Just saying it out loud let me laugh at myself and gain perspective.

By birthday party day, thanks to their graciousness and prayers, God freed me from my pity party. My children were so generous, my friends so lovely, the surprise of out-of-towners I didn’t know were coming so heartwarming … It was all wonderful, and I’m deeply thankful for the love and generosity of family and friends.

Val, Dan, and Rachel even had brigadeiros (chocolate) and beijinhos (coconut), candies always part of Brazilian birthday parties! Valerie made me the lovely photo blanket. And … So many other special touches. Lots of behind the scenes scheming by all three of them. Today, by the way, is Rachel and Brian’s tenth wedding anniversary. Time goes so fast!!

I’m able to believe again Psalm 92:8-15–which the psalmist credits to GOD’S faithfulness, not our own. It’s been a favorite hope and life-giving passage since I turned 65.

And able to turn my attention back to what God has put in my hands to do.

And able to hear God chuckling with me.

To quote Karis, “All I see is grace.”

A new way of living

But the Holy Spirit prays for us

Romans 7:6, 8:26 Now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit. … And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us.

We got home at midnight last night from our mission retreat in Colorado, where we focused on the theme of aging faithfully. Since the age range of our mission team is from early 60s to mid-80s, this was appropriate! We studied the wonderful book Aging Faithfully by Alice Fryling as preparation for the retreat, which allowed us to go deeper under the leadership of our facilitators.

I have a lot to continue thinking about, but one highlight for me was realizing I’ve tried to do marketing of my books within a transactional framework (if I do this, I will get that result), rather than transformational, in which I depend on the Spirit’s leading and don’t get stressed over the kinds of results most marketing approaches work toward. As a start, I’m switching in my own mind from using the term “marketing,” to the word “sharing” of what God has given me. I feel hope about an area of my life that I’ve found extremely stressful. Hope for a new way of living guided by the Spirit.

This weekend our family will be saying goodbye to my older sister, who will be moving from a town an hour north of Pittsburgh to a retirement village in Oklahoma. So I’m thinking about the “new way of living” she will soon undertake. There are obvious benefits—like being able to simply open her door to be with people and participate in activities, in contrast with the increasing isolation she’s felt as her vision limits her ability to drive.

At the same time, she’s leaving behind so much that is dear to her, from possessions to people whom she loves. Starting over in a place where no one knows she was a college professor, published author, chaplain, ordained deacon in the Anglican tradition, and cared for 23 foster children over the years—along with her skills in so many areas, her creativity, her wisdom about surviving trauma, and so much more … Well, it’s daunting, to say the least.

A planter Linda built last spring–just one of so many things she’s leaving behind.

As I feel with her the stress of this move and grieve for myself the distance that will shortly exist between us, I am comforted by these words from Romans: the Holy Spirit, so attuned, so active, so perceptive of what God wants for us and what we need. I hope thinking about this will comfort you too, especially if you are in the throes of embracing any kind of “new way of living.”

Unfading beauty

But God values inner beauty

1 Peter 3:1-12 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God. … For instance, Sarah … You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear.

1 Samuel 16:7 People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Last week, while taking a photo requested by the publisher of the Karis book in Brazil, I accidentally caught my face in an unguarded moment. When I saw it, I was dismayed and promptly deleted it. Is this what people around me have to look at? For the first time, I felt old.

Diane Morris, a friend since 1988 when she cared for missionary kids at our new mission agency, OC International, left a lovely little book with me after a recent visit. It’s called 31 Days of Encouragement as We Grow Older, by Ruth Myers. Diane told me, “It will be fun to know we’re reading the same thing!”

Tuesday’s topic was “Never Too Old to Change.” Ruth writes, “It’s never too late to grow in important ways. … We can pray, Lord, show me things you especially want me to overcome by growth in the three things so important to you—faith, hope, and love. We can pray for increased faith in God—for quiet trust in place of anxiety, fear, or an ‘I can’t’ feeling. Someone infinitely bigger than us is in control. More and more, Lord, may I choose to trust in you.”

Is anything more attractive than quiet, confident trust in our Lord? Teach me, Lord, to do what is right without fear. Increase my faith.

P.S. I wrote this post before reading about the Southern Baptist “Abuse Apocalypse,” here and in other accounts.

Without question, this fits with the theme of God looking at our hearts rather than appearances. Interestingly, I had just read two relevant chapters in Diane Langberg’s (a second Diane for today’s post!) must-read book, Suffering and the Heart of God, How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores (2015). Chapter 12 is titled “Leadership, Power, and Deception in the Church and the Home”: Power has been given to us so that the world might see something of the glory of God in the flesh—full of grace and truth. That glory is evidenced in humility, love, sacrifice, and death to anything that is not like Jesus Christ. It is a hard road (p. 212).

I highly recommend Diane Langberg’s crystal-clear account of how self-deception leads to the abuse of power. In Chapter 13, “Sexual Abuse in Christian Organizations,” she says, “Some of us have faced the power of systems that name God’s name yet look nothing like him. … We forget that anything done in the name of God that does not bear his character throughout is actually not of him at all” (p. 220).

Here is how she closes the chapter:

Our God demonstrates again and again in his Word that his kingdom is the kingdom of the heart, not the kingdom of institutional structure. … God hates sin wherever he finds it and has gone to death to destroy it. Do we really think he wants us to avoid the death of an organization or institution by hiding sin, by failing to drag it into the light? He would rather see every human organization and institution fall than see such things preserved while full of sin. … When Jesus first called his disciples, to what did he call them—a profession, a creed, a task? No, he first and foremost called them to himself. I fear sometimes we have lost that call … breaking the heart of the Shepherd. He desires our primary allegiance to be love and obedience to him no matter the cost. When we pursue him above all else, the body of Christ will be the safest place on earth for the most vulnerable sheep. … May we, who are already in positions of power and influence, lead the way by falling on our faces, imploring God to make us like himself no matter the cost to our positions, our programs, our organizations, our ministries, or our traditions (pages 228-229).

We could add, I think, “or our politics.” We can’t put anything ahead of Christ in our hearts.